I'm Dying...

I need to get something off my chest.

I've been in denial about something for a long while now... but I now realize I need to try and accept it.

After spending an hour yesterday at the Beacon Medical Centre Chemotherapy Unit, the reality of it all finally hit me.

I'm dying.

Yes. You read correctly.

But let me back up a bit.

I was at the medical centre yesterday to visit an ex-colleague of mine while he was undergoing a chemo session for stage-four pancreatic cancer. He’s only a couple of years older than I am.

We talked about something that really got to me… and I haven’t been able to shake it since.

What is it that deludes us into thinking we are able to control our mortality? Or our fate? Kismet? God’s Will? Whatever you’d like to call it.

We sign up for expensive life insurance and health insurance schemes, which is a sign that we're probably mildly aware of the inevitable, eventual mortality of us all. And yet somehow we think that it can't happen... not just yet. We’re so confident we’ll be around to see next year that we spend all of this year planning that trip, so certain that we'll see next week that we plan birthday celebrations ahead of time, and so sure that we’ll wake up the next morning so we can do all the things that have been planned for the day. How is it that we're so convinced that our time can't be up just yet?

But this post isn't about the morbidity of death. It's about the 'Carpe Diem-ism' of living before the One who IS in control of your life decides that your time is up. Because that time could be a year from now, a month from now, or five minutes from now.

So often we laden ourselves with the fear of things going awry later on in life because we're worried about it being the wrong time to make a decision that we won't just close our eyes, open our hearts, and take that leap of faith.

So if not now, then when? When will it be the right time to start LIVING?

Because I’ve just realized I’m dying.

And I’ve got news for you. In case you didn’t know it, you’re dying too.

We just don't know when.

I've learned...

On my birthday last year, my dear sister Aleya challenged me to come up with and share 34 things I’ve learned. I didn’t get around to it then, but I’ve got another birthday coming up next month, and so I’m sharing 35 of the many, many things (yes, I’m very wise) that I’ve learned in my life so far. In no real order of importance, here they are:

1. I’ve learned that I’m not always right. Imagine that!?

2. I've learned that if you want to, you can find something wrong with just about anything. And if you want to, you can find the good in just about anything.

3. I’ve learned that there isn’t ever going to be a perfect time to do anything. If there’s something you want to do, NOW is the perfect time to do it.

4. I’ve learned that needing to pee really badly, but knowing you probably won’t be able to for another two hours because you’re stuck in an epic Nairobi traffic jam can feel like the worst thing in the world at the time. (You’d think I’d learn to use the bathroom before I get into my car to drive anywhere, but this keeps happening to me!)

5. I’ve learned that it’s important to stay in close contact with your inner child. You’re going to need him / her along your journey through this wondrous thing we call life.

6. I’ve learned that it is so easy to find fault in others… but not so easy to look within and acknowledge your own flaws.

7. I’ve learned that you’re born and then you die. If you’re lucky, you get to do some meaningful things in between.

8. I’ve learned that you need to know how to recognize the things that you’ve asked the universe for when they’re presented to you… because they aren’t always packaged the way you imagined.

9. I’ve learned that sometimes you‘ve got to experience the bad so that you can truly appreciate the good.

10. I’ve learned that you always need to take care of yourself first before you tend to someone (or something) else. Like the instructions during the safety demo on an airplane on how to operate the oxygen masks if you’re traveling with an infant… (By the way, I’ve also learned that it’s best not to focus on exactly why you might need the oxygen mask whilst on a plane.)

11. I’ve learned that you can’t free yourself of anything by fighting it. Fighting it causes you to get more entangled in it. It’s like being caught in the devil’s snare. (Hello, Harry Potter fans!)

12. I’ve learned that the not-so-secret secret to being happy is to let go of your ego. If you figure out exactly how to do this, please let me know.

13. I’ve learned that good begets good. And love begets love. Always.

14. I’ve learned that another surefire path to your happiness is to make others happy. (I have some beautiful souls in my life who have this down pat.)

15. I’ve learned that there is much to gain from spending time talking to people who aren’t like you at all.

16. I’ve learned that tolerance of each other is paramount. No human being has the right to assume superiority over another.

17. I’ve learned that kindness speaks to people better than money does.

18. I’ve learned that knowing you’re responsible for another person(s) is both the most terrifying thing and the most rewarding thing in the world. (Shout-out to all my friends who are parents and my fellow caregivers out there.)

19. I’ve learned that I’m mean when I’m angry. And when I’m hungry.

20. I’ve learned that it’s important to follow your dream. Just as long as it’s not the dream where you show up at a law firm for an important interview and realize you forgot to change out of your pajamas…

21. I’ve learned that it’s crucial that you find the things that make your soul sing… and find a way to do them often.

22. I’ve learned that we should be kind to animals and nature. Therein lies the essence of Our Maker.

23. I’ve learned that the best thing you can do is be as ‘you’ as possible. Authentically and unapologetically. I’ve also learned that the most beautiful thing about you is that there is no one alive who is Youer than You. (Hello, Dr. Seuss fans!)

24. I’ve learned that anger and resentment work like a cancer that eats away at you, destroying you a little at a time.

25. I’ve learned that the more you focus on how great things are, the better they’ll get.

26. I’ve learned that some of my biggest regrets have been in the seconds that followed some of the vilest words that have escaped my mouth.

27. I’ve learned that the poorest way to deliver an apology is to follow it with the word ‘but’.

28. I’ve learned that empathy is more productive than sympathy.

29. I’ve learned that when a loved one is lost, you must allow yourself time to deal with your loss in your own way. The pressure of having to be strong for yourself and for others may just make you implode.

30. I’ve learned that there is no love akin to that of a mother for her child.

31. I’ve learned that time spent with those you love is invaluable. Every ounce of it must be soaked up and cherished, for it is inevitably finite.

32. I’ve learned that there is incredible power in the human touch. Especially hugs from those you love. The kind of embraces you can lose yourself in.

33. I’ve learned that you should always trust your gut feeling. Unless that feeling is pain and bloating. Then it’s probably just gas.

34. I’ve learned that you can control what you say or write, but you can’t control how everyone is going to interpret it. Unnerving.

35. I’ve learned that it’s important to take chances sometimes. Move out of your comfort zone a little sometimes. If you want to send lilies and a box of chocolates to that slightly kooky girl who writes those long-winded posts on Facebook, just do it! wink emoticon